Moments I Treasure (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1 :)

I say it at least 3 or 4 times to Mark and about 15 times to myself every day: I LOVE being a mother. I absolutely love it. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Those years of waiting were absolutely worth every minute. I was right to yearn for motherhood as much as I did. It suits me! I love being a stay-at-home mom. I know it's not right for everyone but it is right for me. It is SO right for me. My heart is so full of love, gratitude, and joy I am not sure there is even room for more.

Sure I don't love the moments where Austin pushes the boundaries. I don't love the moments when Sean is inconsolably crying. I don't love changing the poopy diapers of two boys. I don't love the way my postpartum belly looks (lots of flab and very unsightly stretch marks).

But I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. Below are some of the moments I absolutely treasure with my boys and I would pay any price for having them:

Cuddle Time- Both boys will cuddle with me at the same time, usually right after a nursing session. Can you say maternal bliss?!

Feeding Time (especially breakfast)-I love nursing Sean. I treasure the time we spend, just the two of us, bonding together. It melts my heart. What a sweet boy. I love feeding Austin breakfast on the couch while we watch the morning news.

Bath Time-Austin LOVES baths. Whenever I mention it he says "a baff? a BAFF?!" and is just ready to run upstairs and lay down so I can undress him. It's adorable.

Reading Time-Austin often says "read to you?" meaning he wants one of us to read to him. It is so cute.

Movie Time-We allow the boys (mostly Austin...) to watch one movie or part thereof each afternoon after nap time. Austin's current favorite is "Pwanes!" He always asks first thing in the morning too just to see if we'll let him. The answer is always "Nope. We don't watch until after your nap." And he just goes about his business and doesn't usually ask again until after his nap. It never hurts to ask, right :)

Sleeping Time (especially Sean in his bed and Austin in his bed at night)- Every night, almost without exception, since he began sleeping in his own crib I have gone into Austin's room to look over him as he sleeps. It is one of the most tender parts of my day and a great way to end it. Now I do it with Sean too. I just love, LOVE my boys.

Coloring Time- Austin loves coloring. "Colors" and "Cars" sound an awful lot alike right now so sometimes I can't tell when he wants his cars or his colors!

Holding hands on the stairs-Whether we're going up or down Austin always wants a hand to hold on the stairs. I'll be sad when he feels independent and big enough to do it by himself. But it will be a happy thing too. I want him to be strong and independent.

When Austin says "Hi!- Austin ALWAYS says hi. To everyone. All. The. Time. It's darling. He often says it when he's about to get into trouble too.

When Sean smiles. Enough said.

When Austin wants to hold Sean. He will put out his arms and say "Hoht? Hoht?" Meaning he wants to hold his brother. It's adorable.

When Austin says "a-GAIN!" excitedly. If we're reading a book and he likes it a lot he'll say that with the biggest grin on his face until you read it again. How can you not when he looks at you that way?

When Austin makes car noises on the couch with his toy cars. This happens all day. Every day. But I love it. I wonder what is going on in his imagination?

Austin ceremoniously dumping out his cars every morning when he first comes down the stairs. It happens every day. I love it. It just makes me smile.

Daddy time. I LOVE the way Mark is with our sons. Every single time, without fail, when he holds Sean he just says "Aww! He is SO sweet!" He also has a magic touch and can just get Sean to sleep like that! It's amazing. Mark is amazing with Austin too. They are best friends. Every morning after Mark leaves Austin says "Dada?" meaning "Where is dad?" Now he has just started to say "Where Dada?" And when Mark gets home it's like a party every day for Austin! They go on a walk every day together, just the two of them. Mark plays cars with him, reads with him, rough houses with him. It is so awesome. They really are best little friends. It melts my heart.

Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just love it. All of it. Because I have to take the good with the bad. So I just choose to love it all. And in those hard moments I think back to these moments that I treasure and then the hard moments just don't seem so hard.

P.S. While I was getting my hair cut today Sean was screaming in his car carrier. Austin went over to him because I was unable to and started to gently rock the carrier and say "sh, sh, sh!" It was so tender and sweet. He was trying to help his brother. How in the world did I get so lucky?

Sean's Birth

I have two children. I can't believe it. I knew I was pregnant for 7 out of the 9 months. I was there for delivery. But sometimes I look at my littlest and think to myself, "Is that mine, too?"

Sean was a scheduled c-section. I thought his birth story would go something like this:

Wake up. Get showered and dressed. Go to the hospital. Have the surgery. Go to recovery. Go to my room. Love on my baby. Go home.

And for the most part it did. I didn't think I would have any exciting details to share but birth is never quite what you expect it to be. So here is the detailed version.

The night before the surgery I was frantically nesting, trying to get everything perfectly tidy and organized around the house because I knew I wouldn't have the energy or ability to do it for a few weeks afterward. I felt all the feelings I had felt right before I went into my c-section at the hospital with Austin-- anxious, scared, nervous, excited, relieved. I just sat down on my bed and cried. I was also really concerned about Austin. I was scared about mothering two children. Mark gave me a beautiful blessing. I hadn't told him any of my feelings, but Heavenly Father knew what I was feeling and gave Mark the words to comfort me-- I could do this. I could love both boys and help them love each other. After the blessing I finished cleaning up, dried my tears, and went to bed. 

I couldn't eat or drink anything past midnight. So I didn't-- mostly. I'll admit that I had a couple sips of water the next morning to wet my mouth. I was so thirsty! I took a shower, got dressed, and had my mom french braid my hair to keep it off my face during the surgery. I love it when she braids my hair. Austin was on a walk with Nana (Mark's mom) so I was able to have some quiet time with my mom while she did my hair. It was really lovely. 

After Austin got back I gave him a big hug. We took a quick family picture and Mark and I left for the hospital. It was a beautiful morning. It was warm and the sun was shining. I felt peaceful. I felt ready.

We got all checked into the hospital. Mark read to me some of our book (The Princess Bride) and then I took a nap while waiting for the doctor to arrive after they had prepped me for surgery. (Note-- the IV they gave me was great! It didn't hurt at all, unlike the one I got with Austin!) They asked me some questions about anesthesia and one lady came in asking about me donating my placenta. I had never heard of such a thing! But Mark had heard of it and encouraged me to do it. So I did. Hopefully it helps someone out :) But back to the anesthesia. I told them I had always reacted badly to any form of anesthesia and that I had never gone under any sort without vomiting afterward. One of the anesthesia people gave me a big smile and said something like "Well our goal will be to get you through it without vomiting!" I smiled back and said, "Good luck" while thinking "You'll need it."

So the doctor finally arrived and they wheeled me back to the OR. Everyone was pretty cheerful. After they had me all numbed up they brought Mark in for the surgery. I had a wonderful nurse attending me again while Mark held my other hand. It was so strange to think of Dr. Valorous cutting into me right there while we were all talking together. Dr. V. said to me, "My goodness, young lady! It's a good thing you didn't labor. Your scare tissue is very thin."

As a side note I had gone back and forth for months about whether to have a VBAC or to schedule the c-section. I had decided to go for the VBAC but just didn't feel good about it. I felt really confused and uneasy. In the end, after much thought and prayer, I decided to go with the scheduled c-section. After that decision I felt very peaceful, and when Dr. V. mentioned my scar tissue I knew why. I really feel like Heavenly Father was guiding me down the safest path for me and my family.

Anyway, things were progressing normally throughout the procedure. I was peaceful but super anxious and excited to hear my sweet baby cry! Then I heard the suctioning sound that indicates they are sucking out the fluids from the uterus. It also means they had already taken the baby out. I couldn't wait to hear him cry! As soon as I heard him tears just started streaming down my face. I felt so full of love for him! I was so relieved and so happy and so excited. I couldn't wait to see him! I turned my head to the right so I could look at him when they brought him over. He was so handsome! He had all this dark hair and he was BIG!

When Austin was born I watched the whole time while they cleaned him off and I saw Mark cut the cord and everything. It was awesome. Unfortunately this time I only looked at Sean for a few seconds before I started to have this awful pain in my right shoulder. It was referred pain. I just had a lot of fluid and gas built up under my diaphragm. No big problem. I had it with Austin too but I didn't feel too much discomfort until a few hours after the surgery. But it HURT this time instantly!

It hurt so badly I mentioned it to the doctors. They gave me some more pain medication but the pain was so bad I started to feel incredibly nauseated and hot. The nausea was a combination of pain and a bad reaction to the narcotics and anesthesia. I started retching on the table as they were sewing me up. Dr. V. had to ask me to try and be more still. Trying to vomit when you have NOTHING in your stomach, when you can't feel anything from your chest down, and when you are lying flat on your back is an absolutely miserable experience. It probably only lasted a few minutes but it felt like eternity to me. I was almost hyperventilating. The nurse held my head and kept calmly telling me to take deep breaths. I tried to do that but I really had to think about it! I even said "I can't do this anymore!" (Like I had a choice. The baby was out and they were sewing me up.) With a few adjustments to the medication and an added dose of anti-nausea medication I eventually stopped heaving. They finished up the surgery and I got to hold my sweet little baby. It was instant love. Oh my heart just melted when they put him into my arms. He was perfect.

So, so much for getting through the procedure without vomiting. I've never reacted quite that badly. The nausea persisted throughout the remainder of the day and into the next morning. They were continually giving me medication to abate the feeling. Every time I tried to drink the smallest amount of fluid it came right back up. I had to keep my IV in for several extra hours. Eventually it came out and I even got to go home on the second day. (C-sections usually have to stay an extra day but my doctor let me go early :)

And that is the story. The recovery has been amazing. I was doing at 2 weeks postpartum things I couldn't do at 4 or 5 weeks with Austin. I have actually loved every moment of being with Sean since his birth. Nursing has been a breeze and even the sleepless nights haven't been a trial. I started my anti-depressant when I was about 30 weeks pregnant and have just been so happy since his birth.

My mom and my mother-in-law came for two weeks. They did everything for me so I could heal up and focus on Sean. They fixed all the meals, did all the laundry, cleaned the house, took care of Austin, took care of the baby so Mark and I could sleep, and were just a cheerful presence in our home. They lifted all our spirits immeasurably. They left us with a full fridge, full pantry, and full hearts. I am SO thankful they were here. I can't believe what awesome mothers I have.

Being a mother to two little boys has been an absolute joy. I love my children more each day and I feel truly blessed to be their mom!

Introducing:

SEAN MARK BAILEY

January 2014

8 pounds 4 ounces

21 inches

A Mile in Their Shoes

We've all heard the old adage "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." Mostly I've tried to live by that my whole life. My mom is one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. She has this remarkable ability to love people and just let them be what they are while still maintaining her own position on many issues both moral, social, and political. My entire life I would watch her from a distance just listen to people and give nieces and nephews "The Aunt Paula Talk." It was remarkable. I still don't know quite how she does it. It's like she can just channel God's love for everyone from Him through her to them no matter how they choose to live. Anyway. I've tried to be like that-- I have a long way to go but I like to think I do okay most of the time.

It's 2:30 AM. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep but I can't. I took a sleep aid hours ago to see if it would help. It didn't. My anxiety is through the roof right now (not sure why-- but I know the thought of chasing after a toddler on no sleep tomorrow is part of it) and my lower back is killing me. It doesn't matter if I am sitting, standing, or lying down. It is simply too painful to sleep through tonight even with tylenol. My husband and I don't sleep in the same bed right now (which is incredibly disheartening and depressing to me) because for the last few weeks I've been waking up 4, 5, 6 times a night just to turn over and then I can't get back to sleep because he is congested and snoring from seasonal allergies. So he sleeps in the spare room to try to help me out.

I'm exhausted. I'm anxious and depressed. I don't feel good. I sat up in bed after lying there for 3 hours and just started to cry and I said out loud "I just don't want to be pregnant anymore. I don't like this." And if felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to admit it. Because here is the thing-- I felt/feel guilty for feeling this way. Here is why:

It took me several years to get pregnant the first time. Watching everyone around me have children during my childless years was hard. It was embarrassing and difficult for me to sit through labor stories. I really did not like to hear anyone complain about being pregnant or having children. I would think, "I would go through all that and more if I could be a mom. You just don't know how hard it is NOT to have kids. If you did, you wouldn't be complaining." And you know what? They probably didn't. I usually politely excused myself when conversations like that came up.

But guess who didn't understand how incredibly difficult being pregnant and having kids is? That's right-- me. My first pregnancy was a breeze. Minor back pain was all the suffering I had and I relished it because I knew I was going to be a mom. This pregnancy has been SO different: morning sickness, serious back pain, insomnia. In a word it has been hard. And tonight I just don't want to do it anymore.

I DO know how difficult it is not to have children. I now know how difficult it is to be pregnant and a parent at the same time. I wrongfully judged many women who complained about their difficult pregnancies and childrearing. I had not walked a mile in their shoes. But now I've walked more than a mile. WAY more. And I'm sorry for the judgmental thoughts I had. And I am thankful and incredibly amazed by my wonderful friends who held off talking about parenting and difficult pregnancies when they knew how difficult the subject was for me. They were incredible. I don't know how they did it. I love them for it (you know who you are). Thank you.

That old adage has never felt truer than it has tonight. If you're struggling with infertility I feel for you. It is SO hard. If you're struggling with pregnancy and young children I feel for you. It is also incredibly difficult in a completely different way. Let's all embrace one another wherever we are in our life's journey and buoy each other up no matter what difficult circumstances we find ourselves in-- because you truly can't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Happy Halloween! We actually dressed up this. I pretty much felt like the lamest mom ever last year when I hadn't gotten a costume for Austin and it was the day before Halloween. He ended up going as a skeleton because we had a onesie with skeleton bones on it that someone had given us. He rocked it and looked awesome but I felt kind of like a slacker.

So this year we ALL dressed up. I planned way ahead and had everyone's costumes ready 3 weeks early. Mark and I have never dressed up as a married couple. It just wasn't our thing. But we sure had a good time this year!

I went as the Death Star-- not yet fully operational :) Mark went as a Stormtrooper and Austin went as Darth Vadar. He had the cutest little cape and hat! The cape was my favorite part. He didn't leave the hat on, unfortunately. But he still looked super cute!

May the force be with you!

It's a baby...

BOY!

Here I am about 21 weeks along carrying our next son. We couldn't be more excited for Austin to have a brother. We hope they become the best of friends. 

Where We've Been

It's been a long time since I wrote anything on this blog. It has lain abandoned for nearly a month and a half. We've sure done a lot of things and I sure love spending time with Mark and Austin. That is mainly what has kept me away. But tonight I have some time so here is a brief update.

We moved. The lease on our hold house was up after three years (thankfully) and our friends moved out of their old place (sadly) at the same time. We just took up residence in their old digs. We love our new place.

Mark has had a lot of free time these last few months so we've done a lot of little trips around town.

We went to the BYU vs. Virginia game. We lost. And Austin got really sick. But it was fun to be at a real game!

We went on a road trip. Hopefully I'll get around to writing a whole blog post about that! It was an incredible four days. We had a great time.

We taught Austin to say "TOUCHDOWN!" and hold up his hands. He also does false start which is pretty much just waving his hands really fast. He can't really do the whole spin thing.

We went to the Winston Salem Air Show. It rained so it was kind of lame. Most of the planes couldn't fly. But we had a good time anyway.

Mark ran in a sprint triathlon! He was such a champ. I'm really proud of all the hard work he put in. It was fun to see him transitioning and then sprint across the finish line. Way to go, sweetheart!

Austin got croup :( It was so sad to see him in his little hospital gown but he sure looked cute too! I loved his little diapered bum sticking out the back of the robes.

Mom and Dad Bailey came for a visit. We had a wonderful time with them here.

We went pumpkin picking for the first time. Austin had a great experience. Some of the pumpkins were bigger than he was!

We took an afternoon drive to the Blue Ridge Parkway to see the fall colors. Our camera could do it justice if we knew how to operate it better, but alas-- we don't. It was absolutely beautiful though.

Things in North Carolina are going well. We love it here. We've been so happy together as a little family.  It has been wonderful having Mark around so much. Life really doesn't get any better.

An answered prayer

I have been reading a lot, probably too much, facebook lately. I joined a group out of curiosity called Feminist Mormon Housewives. There are lots of nice women who post things. But there are some pretty self-righteous and mean posts too. There is a big movement right now about Ordaining Women in the church. I find it fascinating. But mostly the group has been posting things about how women are so ill treated and how tired they are of patriarchy and how it isn't right that women are told how to dress and what to think by the media and by men. And sometimes I wonder if they realize how much they are like the things they say they hate. They too try to tell women how to think and how to live their lives and what is right and what is wrong. Anyway.

Reading it has left me feeling uninspired, dejected, and confused. I am pretty satisfied with my life. I have never had a crappy bishop or other male leader who has made me feel like less of a person or like my opinion mattered less in the church because I am a woman. Most of those women either have had experiences like that or they read too much into situations they have experienced.

I don't think they are wicked or apostate or anything like that. I think they are just strong personalities who want a bigger voice in the church governance and priesthood power. And that is okay with me. But I don't always like the way they respond to traditional viewpoints. They get all upset when others respond to their viewpoints with vitreous gut reactions but they totally do the same thing!

Anyway. I have just felt confused and upset lately. I don't know who is right. Are they right to request the things they are asking for? Are the more traditional people right? What about the whole "Even the very elect will be deceived?" thing that is supposed to happen in these last days? Are they feminist groups being deceived? Are the traditional groups being lulled into a false sense of security? Who is right? And how will I know?

I thought those very thoughts last night and as I thought them I realized that Joseph Smith had that very same thought when he was young. He must have been as confused or more confused than I am.

So last night right before bed I said a quick prayer because I was pretty tired. I just told God I was confused and that I didn't know what to do or who was right. I pondered getting of facebook but that didn't seem right or necessary. I have thought a lot about posting some of my thoughts and feelings on the site but that didn't seem right either. So I just went to bed confused and thinking I would just let it go for now.

And my prayer was answered today. Isn't that interesting? It was a quick prayer. I didn't spend long in prayer. It was sincere and heartfelt, but didn't seem particularly more important than my other nightly prayers. But I think Heavenly Father felt differently. I think he knows that this is an important question. This is an important issue for me and he wanted me to know he heard my little prayer.

The answer came through a talk I heard at church. I didn't think too much about it other than that I really liked it. Then when I was reading my scriptures tonight in Deuteronomy 6 what was talked about in church was reemphasized and I felt then a gentle thought that this was the answer I was looking for.

The answer was this: The greatest of all commandments is love. And if you truly love everyone and love God you will be on the right path doing the right things. You won't be stealing, or murdering, or looking at pornography, or committing adultery, or worshipping idols, or treating people badly, or judging them unrighteously while you have a beam in your own eye, etc...  God's answer to me was simply to work on loving Him and Others and as I do I will be doing the right things and I don't need to worry about who is right and who is wrong. As long as I love God and others I will not be deceived. Maybe those women who are pressing for the priesthood and other feminist agendas have a special calling by God that I don't have. So I am going to let them have their calling and love them and their traditional counterparts from afar and just not worry about it. Because God answered my prayer and it is simply to love others and love Him.

Isn't that neat? How God answered my prayers so simply through another person and through the scriptures. I just wanted to write it down so I wouldn't forget it.