Mark and I flew to AZ for Christmas. It has been such a wonderful trip. I have been anxious, depressed, and really emotional but I am so glad I have been able to be all of those things here. Right before we left NC I found out I might not have a job next year because of budget cuts. I am really scared about losing my job and my health insurance because that means we will not be able to see the doctors I need to see in order to have children. So not only am I scared of losing my job I am anxious that I will have to wait even longer before I can have children. And for the first time since my miscarriage I am taking fertility meds. And those make me crazy. Depressed. Anxious. Easily Upset. All of these things. But here is my comparison.
One of my favorite movies of all time is "A Beautiful Mind." It is based on a true story about a man who has schitzophrenia. For the first part of the movie neither he nor the viewer of the movie realizes that he is crazy and that he is seeing things that are not there. Then the viewer realizes he is crazy. Then he realizes he is crazy. Once he realizes he is crazy he actually has a great deal of self control and he can control himself and his emotions. The unreal images are still there but he just ignores them and lives a fairly normal life.
That is how I feel taking my fertility medications. At first I am crazy and emotional. Everything upsets me. I am depressed and anxious and I feel like a terrible person. Then I remember that I am not normally like that. I realize that it is just the medication I am taking that makes me crazy and I am more able to control myself. The anxiety and depression are still there but I can mostly push it aside and just try to ignore it.
Anyway. I just thought of one more thing. Even if I do loose my job and we have to wait longer to try have children because I loose my health insurance, I shouldn't think of it that way. Because my children will not come to me one second before they are supposed to be here. I feel easier in my mind knowing I am doing all I can to get them here by seeing doctors but if they don't come while I am trying this time then this just wasn't the time. So it really does not matter if I have a job with health insurance that allows me to try for them. They will come when they come whether I have health insurance or not. All I can do right now is hope they come within the next 8 months (meaning I will get pregnant in the next 8 months). So that is what I will do. And I will try my best not to get discouraged if it doesn't happen right now.
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