A "purrrrr-fect" Christmas

I just had the most wonderful Christmas break. I got to spend oodles of time with my mom. I wish I was still in AZ so I could spend more time with her! I love her more than anyone (except for Mark!) I got to spend quality time with my in-laws. I got The Art of French Cooking by Julia Child. I can't WAIT to get started! I got a wonderful love note from my husband. That was my favorite gift. I was spoiled rotten by both of my families. I have the most wonderful family in the world. It was delightful spending Christmas with all of them.

I have the most wonderful mother-in-law and father-in-law. My father-in-law has really started to fill the gap left by my dad passing away. He is so loving and kind. He is so interested in what happens to me. I feel like he is proud of me and wants the best for me, just like my dad used to do. He is a wonderful father. He gives me hugs just at the right time when I need them. I am not sure I can really explain it but he has really helped me deal with the loss of my father by stepping up to the plate and being more like a father than a father-in-law to me. My mother-in-law is also a wonderful person. She always makes me feel comfortable and she is always there to help me when I need it. She and my mother are the kind of women I want to be when I grow up. There is simply no competition between my in-laws and anyone else's in-laws in my opinion. They are  loving, generous, and kind. They are so wonderful that most of the time I simply don't know what to say to them. I never feel like I can adequately express my gratitude to them. First of all I will always be in their debt for raising such a wonderful son to be my husband. And they keep doing all these wonderful and amazing things for me! I know that in this life I can never repay them for their kindness and goodness. I hope I can pay it forward with my own children someday.

Their most recent generous gift to us was Moses. He is a cat. He is the best, most beautiful, most well behaved cat in the world. He was their cat. But they decided they no longer needed him to be around. So they decided to give Moses to us. We were so excited. Then we discovered it would be quite a challenge (and an expense) getting Moses all the way across the country. We were disappointed because we thought we would not be able to have him. But they somehow knew how much we needed something to love and take care of (because we can't have children right now). So they took care of all the arrangements and the expenses and flew Moses home with us. So now we are the proud owners of a wonderful cat named Moses. it feels so wonderful to have this little animal in our home. It helps to fill the empty space in our hearts for now.

So if you read this Mom and Dad Bailey, THANK YOU. You'll never know how much this means to us... especially me. Because I know my infertility is harder on Mark than he lets on. And I know he gets lonely during the day. But now he has a special friend to keep him company. So he is happier. And I LOVE cats and I love it when Mark is happy, so I am happier too. Thank you again. I love you. Merry Christmas!

Crazy Pills

Mark and I flew to AZ for Christmas. It has been such a wonderful trip. I have been anxious, depressed, and really emotional but I am so glad I have been able to be all of those things here. Right before we left NC I found out I might not have a job next year because of budget cuts. I am really scared about losing my job and my health insurance because that means we will not be able to see the doctors I need to see in order to have children. So not only am I scared of losing my job I am anxious that I will have to wait even longer before I can have children. And for the first time since my miscarriage I am taking fertility meds. And those make me crazy. Depressed. Anxious. Easily Upset. All of these things. But here is my comparison.

One of my favorite movies of all time is "A Beautiful Mind." It is based on a true story about a man who has schitzophrenia. For the first part of the movie neither he nor the viewer of the movie realizes that he is crazy and that he is seeing things that are not there. Then the viewer realizes he is crazy. Then he realizes he is crazy. Once he realizes he is crazy he actually has a great deal of self control and he can control himself and his emotions. The unreal images are still there but he just ignores them and lives a fairly normal life.

That is how I feel taking my fertility medications. At first I am crazy and emotional. Everything upsets me. I am depressed and anxious and I feel like a terrible person. Then I remember that I am not normally like that. I realize that it is just the medication I am taking that makes me crazy and I am more able to control myself. The anxiety and depression are still there but I can mostly push it aside and just try to ignore it.

Anyway. I just thought of one more thing. Even if I do loose my job and we have to wait longer to try have children because I loose my health insurance, I shouldn't think of it that way. Because my children will not come to me one second before they are supposed to be here. I feel easier in my mind knowing I am doing all I can to get them here by seeing doctors but if they don't come while I am trying this time then this just wasn't the time. So it really does not matter if I have a job with health insurance that allows me to try for them. They will come when they come whether I have health insurance or not. All I can do right now is hope they come within the next 8 months (meaning I will get pregnant in the next 8 months). So that is what I will do. And I will try my best not to get discouraged if it doesn't happen right now.

Joni's Help

It's in the New Testament - when Lazarus was sick

Mary/Martha (can't remember which?) come up to the Savior and tell him that Lazarus is sick and that they need his help

He tells her that Lazarus will be fine, and not to worry and she leaves.

After she leaves, Jesus turns to his apostles and says that Lazarus is already dead, but that this will be a chance for him to show his power - and he goes about his business - for three whole days (if I remember right)

when he returns to the city, Martha (I think?!) comes running to him and says that Lazarus has died

And the part that I love most is this part - because Jesus already knows this. And he could say "look, give me two minutes, stop your crying, everything will be fine." - but instead, he cries with her.

Even though he knows everything will be alright in a few minutes - he's known it for days. At that point in time, and at that moment - it was important for Martha (?) to know that her pain was valid and nothing to be ashamed of.

I think the point of that story is that you've been through some really hard things this year, Amanda. Life hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy. There are lots of uncertainties.

And it's ok if that makes you sad, or nervous, or worried. The Savior won't fault you for that. As long as you turn to Him, and let Him help you through that pain - he can raise that symbolic 'death' for you. Bring your happiness back, your optimism. . . whatever it is that you need.

9:36pm

Are you thinking of going back for a Masters?

9:36pm

I think I will eventually - but not in the immediate future

at least not for the next three years for sure

I have some projects for school that I'll need to do before I can add anything else to my plate

9:37pm

I don't think I'll have a job next year...

My school district is $10 million short for next school year. Since I am a first year teacher in the arts I am pretty sure I'll go first...

9:39pm

I read that on your blog - I'm sorry, Amanda!

9:39pm

I am going to try and find a private school I think.

Me too

9:39pm

But you know what? If I learned anything in the last year, it's that God is ALWAYS in charge.

9:39pm

But I guess it is all in the grand plan. Something will work out.

I have learned that too

Especially after my dad died and then after I had my miscarriage

It was a whirlwind year

9:39pm

Yes.

And moving as well

For you, at least

How are you doing? Are you doing well?

What can I do for you?

9:40pm

Mostly I am doing great. It has certaintly been an adjustment but I really love the east and it feel like home now

Just keep being my friend :) I need friends. And keep blogging because your blog is one of my favorites

Is there anything you need?

Are you happy?

9:42pm

(lol. I'm blogging right now, actually.)

You know, for the most part - I'm very happy. What's even better is that I feel a lot of peace.

9:43pm

Has the peace been a long time coming?

9:43pm

Yes

At least four years in the making, I think

maybe more

9:44pm

You know, I can tell just by the way you are writing and talking this last while that you are a different person in a way.

I am so glad you have found that peace

Do you know what has made the difference?

9:46pm

Ultimately, I think what made the biggest difference was learning to be ok with myself

I spent a lot of time in college fighting against being myself because I felt like no one would accept me if I was myself.

9:47pm

Wow. I hope this doesn't sound trite or anything but I am so happy for you. It takes a lot of personal strength and courage to get to that place.

And this little chat has helped me realize that I am not ok with me right now and that is probably part of my problem.

9:48pm

Yeah - it's not an easy thing. I'm still fighting for it.

I've been very blessed to have a good friend close by lately that's similar to me - and we've worked through a lot of that together, which is nice

that's been a huge blessing.

9:48pm

Is she a teacher too?

9:49pm

yes

9:49pm

:)

9:49pm

But - yeah - learning to love myself as I am has been a huge battle - but one that was well worth the time it took to get there

9:50pm

You're amazing Joni.

Can I just say too that I am kind of having a little crisis of faith over here. I am just not feeling particulary faithful or believing... have you ever had times like that?

9:53pm

Yes

All last year. Lol

What's going on?

9:55pm

You know I am just not sure. And I think the worst part is that I feel guilty for my unbelief. And I am having a hard time coming to terms with all the different religions and ways of life. It is sort of the question "Which of these is right, if any?" And I know what I have been taught to do but I don't feel like doing it. I have lots of questions and I am scared about what is going to happen in my future

sigh

All of these negative and pessimistic feelings just swirling around and around and around...

9:56pm

Yeah. . . discouragement is basically the strongest tool the devil has at his disposal if you ask me

because it's so disabling

9:56pm

It is! And fear and anxiety too...

9:56pm

Yes

9:57pm

Thanks for being a listening ear Joni. Sometimes a girl just needs to talk. Thank you for being strong for me.

9:57pm

You're welcome :)

Can I tell you what story really helped me when I felt like that?

9:57pm

Please

9:58pm

It's in the New Testament - when Lazarus was sick

Mary/Martha (can't remember which?) come up to the Savior and tell him that Lazarus is sick and that they need his help

He tells her that Lazarus will be fine, and not to worry and she leaves.

After she leaves, Jesus turns to his apostles and says that Lazarus is already dead, but that this will be a chance for him to show his power - and he goes about his business - for three whole days (if I remember right)

when he returns to the city, Martha (I think?!) comes running to him and says that Lazarus has died

And the part that I love most is this part - because Jesus already knows this. And he could say "look, give me two minutes, stop your crying, everything will be fine." - but instead, he cries with her.

Even though he knows everything will be alright in a few minutes - he's known it for days. At that point in time, and at that moment - it was important for Martha (?) to know that her pain was valid and nothing to be ashamed of.

I think the point of that story is that you've been through some really hard things this year, Amanda. Life hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy. There are lots of uncertainties.

And it's ok if that makes you sad, or nervous, or worried. The Savior won't fault you for that. As long as you turn to Him, and let Him help you through that pain - he can raise that symbolic 'death' for you. Bring your happiness back, your optimism. . . whatever it is that you need.

10:05pm

Thank you so much for your thoughts Joni. I think I needed to be on here tonight to hear that from you. You're amazing! The next time I am in Utah or you are in North Carolina or anywhere near we should get together :) Thank you so much.

I actually better get to bed (I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep after my huge travel day yesterday)

10:05pm

You're welcome

10:05pm

Love ya :)

10:05pm

Love you too :)

10:05pm

Thank you again.

10:05pm

Get some good sleep.

10:05pm

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

10:05pm

I'll be praying for you.

10:05pm

Thank you.

10:06pm

Hang in there! You can do it.

10:06pm

I will hang in there.

Goodnight!

10:06pm

night

The Best Thing in My Life

No matter what my employment status is, no matter what my motherhood status is (meaning not one), no matter what happens in my life at least I have this (see above). And for this I am truly grateful. Sometimes it is easier to see what we do not have. I am going to focus on what I do have this Christmas season and it is this (see above).

Unemployment

New Teacher + Arts Education + $10 million district budget shortfall =  unemployment next year.

Sad day.

:o(

Catching Up

The last two days have been inclement weather days because of icy road conditions. Therefore I have not had to go to work in two days and now it is the weekend. Thank you weather for giving me a nice, long, 4 day weekend right before Christmas break! I decided today would be a good day to catch my blog up on my life with pictures. So here we go!


I graduated from BYU with a BA in Music Education. Here I am hugging the Madsen Recital Hall goodbye.

We moved from Wymount to Snowflake, AZ to live with our parents for a month until we were ready to go to NC. We sure miss it!

We celebrated Father's Day in Arizona. I brought sunflowers to my daddy's grave. They were his favorite. 

We celebrated the Latvian summer solstice in Snowflake at Mom and Dad Bailey's house. We cut off a bunch of branches from the cottonwood trees and made traditional Latvian headdresses out of them. 

While we were in Snowflake both of my moms helped me to make a quilt for Mark. It is, in fact, the very quilt I am huddled under right now. 

Here we are with our rig. After we live in AZ for a month we came back up to UT to load up the truck from our temporary storage unit. This was our home for the next 3 1/2 days. 

Here we are passing into North Carolina. It was too dark to get a good picture of the "Welcome to NC" sign outside so I thought I would take a picture of the GPS. The dotted line is the state dividing line between NC and VA. 

This was the first sign we saw that said "Winston-Salem" and we were really excited!

We got there at midnight. We were hungry and tired and tried to find a Walmart, but the GPS took us to a big baptist church and said "arriving at Walmart." Eventually we found a CVS pharmacy that was open so we bought some milk and cereal and toilet paper. When we got back to the house we blew up the air mattress in the living room and went to bed. 

With all the help from our new neighbors and our new ward we were ready to return the truck within hours of arriving in Winston. 

Not long after we moved in Mark had his first day of school. Doesn't he look great? He is upstairs studying right now. I love my husband more than anything. I am so glad he is mine!

We celebrated Mark's 25 birthday about a week after he started school. He was dismayed that we had to buy two boxes of candles.  

He got a mantle clock for his birthday. He wanted a clock that chimed and that you had to wind. I found this one in an antique store. It was made in the 1930s. It is a beautiful clock. It winds and chimes. 

My mom came to stay with us for a week. It was wonderful! She helped me buy new furniture and decorate. She also helped me make bread. I love my mom. She is amazing. 

This was the day I had to take her back to the airport. It was also her 35th wedding anniversary. We bought 3 musketeers at the gas station on the way to the airport to remember my dad. They were his favorite. After I dropped my mom off  I cried all the way from the airport in Charlotte until about 20 minutes after I got home I missed her so much . It was the first time I cried about moving. 

Here is my school. This is where I teach 5 days of the week. It is a wonderful place to work. The administration is really supportive and helpful. The teachers are also really supportive of one another. I could not imagine a better place to start teaching. 

This is my domain. I spend approximately 8 hours a day in this room working on lesson plans and teaching my students. I love my job. It is the best. 

Mark and I went to Myrtle Beach for a weekend trip. The water was awesome but Myrtle Beach was kind of dirty and retro. We probably will not ever go back on our own dime. 

We found this AWESOME restaurant within walking distance of our house. It is called "George's Grecian Corner." Winston has a small Greek population. It has this awesome authentic Greek food. We love it. 

We went to visit Pilot Mountain in the late fall. It was very beautiful. It was so nice to be able to see all around you! I miss the big open sky from the west. It was like a big breath of fresh air to get up on top of that mountain. The missionaries called it a glorified hill with a rock on the top and they might be right... but it is the closest thing to a mountain I have seen here!

For our anniversary we went to Greensboro and stayed at the Marriot Hotel. We had dinner at Mimi's and did some shopping at a place called the Friendly Center. It felt almost like being back in Utah because it was so similar. We use to go to Mimi's all the time in Provo. We went to William's Sonoma and the Apple Store which were two things we also loved to do in Provo. 

We went to the Museum of Natural History. We saw an exhibit called "Bodies Revealed". It was really cool having Mark with me to explain everything (he had just finished anatomy). The museum also had a geology section, a paleontology section, and a small zoo. It also had a petting zoo. We also went and saw Harry Potter 7 pt. 1. It was awesome too.

At William's Sonoma Mark bought me a new set of stainless steel measuring spoons for an anniversary gift. Here I am using them on some chocolate chip cookies for the very first time. I LOVE them :)

For Thanksgiving we went to the Tharp's in Florida. It was wonderful! They were excellent hosts and we had such a wonderful and relaxing weekend. We went to the beach. The boys did some snorkeling while Mandy and I stayed on the beach and played with the kids. We had a great time! 

Here is the Thanksgiving Day feast. It was absolutely incredible. Mandy did a wonderful job and I loved helping her. This has to be, hands down, one of the best meals I have EVER had in my life. So awesome. 

We went to the Everglades on our last day there. There were so many alligators out! We even saw some action where one alligator was eating another alligator's baby. Then the mama alligator came and chased the mean alligator away. It was incredible. Douglas got it on video. 

After our adventure in the Everglades we took a little trip to Little Havana. it was almost like stepping into another country! It was really cool. When we got home we had Cuban sandwiches for dinner. They were amazing. 

Not long after we got home we decorated the house for Christmas. It took us about 4 days because every night we were so tired we only got a couple of things accomplished. 

After three days we were finally ready to decorate the tree!

And of course, Mark had to put on the tree skirt for tradition's sake and pose for a picture. What a stud. 

And here we are now. It is freezing cold, there is a lot of snow and ice, and we live in an old drafty house that costs a fortune to keep at 60. But at least we have a house. And a heater. And a I have a full time job. And Mark is in medical school. We are truly blessed. We live a charmed life. This is such a wonderful time to be alive. Merry Christmas!